i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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