Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
