We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
