I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
