Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
