I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
