Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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