Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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