hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
