theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
