someone threw a dead crab at me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Randomize