I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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