i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
