No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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