My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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