Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't put those talents on a resume
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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