you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
