She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you inspire me to be a worse person
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
