There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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