If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
