this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
