Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
