you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
