Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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