tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
