Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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