Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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