god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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