What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
