you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
