How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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