Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
