Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
