Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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