He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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