i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
