apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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