We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
