I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
