why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
