Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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