12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
