Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
