Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
