I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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