its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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