why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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