On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
