Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize