true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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