I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
this hospital has no fireball
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
