You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
