How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
