so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't trust your balls anymore.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
