She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
