He is such a slut. More and more my type.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
