i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
