I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
